Number one: I suck. As I was writing this the first time a nice man came up to me and was talking to me and I apparently looked annoyed because he told my sister that he thought he struck a nerve. How's that for loving radically? I'm disgusted with myself. Please, no one be like me.
But onto what I was writing before my computer freaked out.
I am not so um...confident as to think anyone wants to read my thoughts, but I like to get them out somewhere so that I don't forget them and who knows, maybe someone likes or benefits from them. I don't know. But I put too much on Facebook as it is, so this is where they'll go. :)
First of all, at Ecclesia tonight I was reminded that when you love someone you are opening yourself up to be hurt. That's a part of the process of loving. That's why some people choose not to love. Personally, I freaking hate getting hurt. I start, like, obsessing over the past and the fact that I'm hurt. It's not a pretty picture and I don't enjoy one bit of it - just being honest. However, I would never give up on love completely just because I was afraid of getting hurt. That would suck. So I will love and get hurt and God will repair me and maybe one day I will stop being hurt so badly.
On that note though, I think I've been going about "love" in the wrong way. (I'm not talking radical love here, I'm talking the mushy gushy kind that I love so dearly:)) But here's the deal. I realized tonight in church (honestly, I'm not even sure what the central theme of the sermon was but my brain goes on these crazy tangents and I just roll with it) that God needs to be my all in all. GOD needs to be my everything. GOD needs to be the "wind in my sails" and the reason that I live. GOD needs to be all I need. GOD needs to complete me. Not some guy. I don't admit to myself or anyone else that I do this because I find it pathetic and contradictory to everything that I say I believe in, but I think that I often times want a boy to complete me. When God becomes my focus, when God is the reason that I live, when GOD completes me...then and only then will I be able to find a guy who can make me happy. He won't need to complete me- gosh, no human can do that! I can't expect a guy to waltz in and make my life worth living. Talk about a tall order.
But God can. He created me and He's lived with me and in me since then. He knows me better than I know myself - HE can make my life worth living. Then as an added bonus maybe He'll choose to bless my life with a guy who can love Jesus with me. And through Jesus love me. But we won't complete each other... Maybe I'm completely wrong with these thoughts but I don't know. I think I'm at least a little right at least lol. I'm right that God needs to be the reason that I live at least. He needs to be the center. No one can argue that. Or they can, but they'll be wrong so....
I'll leave you with an amazing line that we sang in church tonight by the fantastic Derek Webb and sung by this girl with the prettiest voice ever- I don't know her name but I certainly wish I did because I would force her to be my best friend and teach me everything she knows. But here's the lyric:
I've traded naked and unashamed
For a better place to hide
For a righteous mask, a suit of fig leaves and lies.
Then also these by some other guy, I'm not sure; but they're good:
Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in these sails
Be the reason that I live, Jesus
Simple but oh, so true. :)
